I attended a seminar on diversity and inclusion where a video was shown with a woman who stated that to her confidence is like a sandcastle – built slowly and carefully. This did not resonate with me, but I wrote it down because it was a raw, fragile statement. I was raised by two military parents – my mother and father were both Marines. Growing up, they taught me to believe in myself and to take care of myself. They gave me a sense of autonomy and told me I could do anything… and I believed them.
From learning how to pack a suitcase to moving around a lot, I was given responsibility and those experiences provided independence that gave me confidence. Additionally, the repetitive nature of being “the new kid” made me adaptable and I became comfortable with new situations. Each new place exposed me to a diversity of people and with this I learned to not only respect the differences in people but to value them.
Confidence is something that we work on every day – whether consciously or unconsciously. My mother told me that she was mindful with how she disciplined me at a very young age so not break or diminish my strong spirit. My parents didn’t expect me to be perfect, they let me make mistakes, they praised me and they encouraged (ok, required) me to never quit.
Confidence is like a muscle. The more you use it the stronger it gets.
As a young adult, I continued to explore my independence and individuality. My first Executive job was working in a bank where the Chairman of the Board was a woman and the CEO was a man. Not realizing at the time, that duo was quite powerful and they mirrored my parents in their approach to leadership. My COB brought a diverse view from the top – she was visible and engaged. My CEO was fearless and set high expectations. He did not have a college degree (nor did either of my parents finish university) which reinforced that while education is important, there are many brilliant people in business who do not have a formal education. Our Executive team was balanced with men and women, college-degreed and non-degreed. These two leaders taught us to value making mistakes. They held me accountable but allowed me to make mistakes – and I made some doozies. If I was heading down the wrong path, I was expected to identify issues as soon as possible and make the necessary adjustments. Doing “it” wrong challenged me to learn to do things differently and motivated me to try new approaches. In this, my first Executive role, I had a voice and a seat at the table. I learned to speak up when I made a mistake (and teach others), I gained confidence in my abilities, and I learned to overcome setbacks.
Hearing the statement of confidence being like a sandcastle caused me to pause and consider how to grow confidence. Six points that have helped me and continue to help me:
Practice positive self-talk
Like everyone, I have tough days that I question myself. At those times I have stood in front of the mirror to acknowledge how I feel, tell myself that I can and say to myself “you got this”. It may sound trivial, but this very visible action gives me confidence.
Build your network – professional and personal – but be mindful of your circle of trust
I have a large network of professional contacts, acquaintances, and friends. However, my circle of trust is quite small. This small group of friends remain faithful no matter what. They keep me grounded, they provide positive affirmations when I need a boost, and they also call me out when I need to adjust.
Don’t make it public until it is permanent
In today’s world of social media, I believe people share too much. And while some will cheer you on when the going gets tough, many will knock you when you are down. I am mindful to keep what I am doing private until I am sure that it is permanent. This is when that circle of trust is so important.
Set personal goals
Growing up, my father set an expectation that I annually write my goals. I didn’t realize the importance of this exercise until many years after I wrote my first goal. I find it satisfying to tick off my accomplishments through the year and I also find that it is a confidence builder.
Don’t focus on what can go wrong, consider what can go right
I think many people don’t try because they are worried about failing. Growing up with so many relocations and what seemed to be everchanging situations, I developed strong mental agility and situational awareness. I like new experiences – I like to be challenged. I work to take control of my thoughts, my perspectives and my actions to visualize what I want and where I want to be… then I get laser focused.
You don’t have to know everything to be confident
Laurel Rutledge recently said on one of her podcasts that you can be humble and confident… this is such a true statement. Always being “the new kid” taught me to be humble but also to observe and listen. While I am results oriented, I tend to enter a conversation, a meeting, a situation as “the new kid.” I am generally not the first one to speak up, but I prefer to listen to people with differing perspectives before I form an opinion or draw a conclusion. Taking this approach makes me more confident in the opinions I form and the decisions I make.
While there are many programs to work on our physical muscles, there are few to work on our mental muscles. I encourage everyone to make your mental health a priority. Whether you choose meditation, physical activity, helping others or something else – I encourage you to work on your confidence as part of your overall health and well-being. I have mentioned in other articles that I see a therapist as part of my mental health program. She is in my circle of trust and, more importantly, she provides an unbiased source of feedback.
If confidence is like a muscle, the only way to work on it is to take action to strengthen it. Get clear on the things that matter to you, remove the things that don’t and celebrate big (and small) wins along the way. Your confidence will grow with you!
I wrote this article after I had a conversation with Catherine Gillings, owner of Talent IQ, about Women, Confidence and Leadership. We had a great conversation, and she asked me some thoughtful questions which lead me to write this article.
